keongzai

human in singapore

  • Just hit pause

    Hey you. How are you? Yes, you. I’m writing this for you reading this right now. Did you realize that 1/4 of 2023 is already over? You made it to April. I know right! Where did the year go? Tell me about it. It felt like just yesterday when we got 2023 rolling.

    Whether you feel like you need it or not, now is a good time to take a break. You could start small with some breathing exercises (inhale through your nose, hold for 4 seconds and exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds). Or you could, like me, take a vacation.

    March was busy for me. It didn’t help that my company’s leaders are obsessed with making us return to office three times a week. That’s a post for another day, I promise.

    I’m writing this from a hotel room in Taipei, one of my favorite cities in the world. We slept in, woke up late and had nothing serious planned. We roamed the streets on foot and found new places to eat. I’m two days in and I’m starting to feel relaxed. This is the pause I need.

    Now you should feel like you can hit the pause button when you need it. There’s a lot more of the 2023 to grind through and we need to pace ourselves. It’s a marathon, not a sprint and you’ll need to take good care of your body and mind in order to last the rest of the year. You’ve heard all this before so you don’t need me to nag at you. Take this as yet another reminder to give yourself permission to rest, recuperate and rejuvenate.

  • The best years

    I feel like the best days of my life are behind me.

    My head hurts more from a hangover the next day. My body takes longer to recover after a workout. My neck is frozen after sleeping sideways for too long at night. I’m seeing physiotherapist more than before because things ache a lot more, and for a lot longer.

    J, my friend from Junior College said, “… you are wiser, fitter, and richer than you’ve ever been in your life. You collected experience over the last 4.5 decades has made you that much more savvy & charming than the next person…”

    “Wiser, fitter, richer.” Her words, not mine. I’ll take it as a compliment but none of these can be traded for more time and more chances to do things I never did when I was younger (maybe a post for another day).

    J continued over text, “The biggest difference is just the amount of fucks we have to give now…”

    I really wish I gave more fucks back then. All of us, not just me. Back when we were younger, when we formed shared bonds of collective teenage stupidity (mostly involving underaged drinking and raging hormones). I wish we all knew that those moments will never circle back again, so we might all hold on a little bit more to those fleeting moments that would pass as soon as we boarded the first bus home the next day. I wish we knew that we will all miss that time when we were there, when we were young, when we had the best days of our lives.

  • Bring blogs back

    It’s time we bring blogs back. Remember the early 2000s when we had Myspace, geocities and blogspot? Remember when we would bare our hearts and share our thoughts on the internet for people to read? Remember when we would follow each other’s blog and had blogrolls that linked to our favourites?

    I miss those days.

    Too much of the internet is now condensed into a picture or a vertical reel. I know what people wore or ate, or where they traveled to. I know how they posed or who they hung out with. But I don’t know how people feel anymore. The carefully composed (moving) visual doesn’t convey what words could. If communication is in equal parts sending and receiving, then I think something is lost to me when the bits are images and videos.

    I’d like to read prose again. I’d like to know what you’re thinking and feeling, in words that connect two human beings; in written and spoken language that paints a picture in my mind (as opposed to searing an image into my retina). I want opinions and I want to leave a comment, to discuss and debate, to agree and disagree. I want to know how you feel about something. I want to know if I feel the same way as you.

    So here I am, writing in words on my blog, in 2023. If you’re reading and and feel the same way, then leave me a comment – let’s connect. Let’s keep words personal and permanently on the internet. Let’s bring blogs back.

  • Childless

    I never wanted kids. And I knew this from a young age. A lot of this conviction came from how I was raised and my relationship with family growing up (more on this next time).

    The truth is, I can’t bear the crushing responsibility of raising another human being. I think the future looks bleak from here, and starting from age zero is going to be tough. I don’t have it in me to make a human life and force him/her here to go through a world I have no control over. It’s not like they would have any choice whether to be brought into this world or not.

    I do like kids though. I think that part of the programming remains hardcoded in our DNA. But I would gladly return them to their parents after an hour, or when the meltdown begins, whichever comes sooner.

    If you’re thinking about having kids and you stumbled here for internet advice, you’re in the wrong blog, my friend. But if you really want to know how I feel, here goes:

    1. Don’t have kids to “save your marriage”. It’s not a balm or a cure. A child is not going to do the work to salvage your fractured relationship. You need to do that work yourselves.
    2. Don’t have kids because you feel like you need to pass on your genes. If you do, your genes are not worth passing on in the first place. Get over yourself.
    3. Don’t have kids because “I guess this is what married couples do”. No, you don’t have to. Really, you don’t. Life can be fulfilling for couples without children in tow.
    4. Don’t have kids because you like kids. You can like kids but still be childless (see above). They’re not toys or handbags – you can’t swap them out when you don’t like them anymore.
    5. Most importantly, don’t have kids because you feel obliged to, whether to societal pressures or to your parents. Your parents, despite the best intentions, will not raise your offspring for you. You owe them nothing. You don’t need to bring a child into this world in order to check off “being grandparents” off their bucket list.

    But if you still feel the desire to, then do it. Go with a full heart and a conviction that you’re doing what you truly want to do. That you will be wholly responsible for another human life you will bring into this uncertain world. Good luck; you do you.

  • Death to hybrid work

    I hate that there are extra layers of stupid admin inflicted on me as a worker who has to return to office on some days.

    I need to download a new app to book a hot desk since we downsized the office, and a separate app to generate a QR code that I need to scan in order to get past the turnstile and into the lift to my floor.

    I need to access a separate page to book a room for in-person meetings, only after jumping through brand new hoops to make sure that everyone is coming into the office on the same day (something we never needed to do pre-pandemic).

    Then, one or two jokers will not show up, despite all the virtual pinkie promises. So I have to become Tech Support when they have problems connecting to the Zoom meeting’s audio. If that’s successful, then it’s a 50-50 toss up between saying “hey, you’re on mute” or “can you please mute yourself? I can hear your dog barking”.

    We have five (5!) different platforms for work messaging: Slack, Zoom, Teams, WhatsApp and the latest and greatest (sarcasm intended), Workplace. Guess who is responsible for remembering each co-worker’s communication preference?

    I would prefer that we are all in the office or we are all remote. Hybrid just feels like we want the best of both our freedoms and our need for structure (or surveillance, depending on who you’re asking). I don’t think it’s good enough and I hate how we could not, as a collective society, come up with a better way to work – one that doesn’t involve a mandatory return to office, and one that doesn’t shift the burden of making work work, on the worker.

  • 16690 and counting

    That’s the number of days I have left, assuming I live until 90. It might sound grim but it’s to me, it’s a daily reminder of my mortality and how I should live my life.

    This is known as Memento Mori, latin for “Remember that you have to die”. This is a reminder that my life will end, along with everything in it. All my achievements and belongings will perish along with my body.

    This fills me with an urgency to slow down and appreciate what every day brings. To fill my hours with what brings me joy. To let go of what doesn’t. To be with people who matter. To enjoy life today because the nights are limited.

    I’m counting the days, one by one, and trying to make the days count.

  • New year, new you

    You made it. Despite whatever shit 2022 tried to throw at you, you’re here. Congratulations. Another year in the pocket. Another year wiser, another year older. Another unwilling step towards the inevitable end.

    I hope you had a nice, boozy holiday break because if you’re reading this on the first day of January, shit’s about to get real the day after tomorrow as we drag our sorry asses back to work.

    Last week, in a fit of inspiration (or rage), I decided to delete everything here and start anew. So if you’ve been here before (yes, all three of you), you’ll notice that the entries you read before are no longer published. It’s a new year and this baby also deserves a new start.

    Happy 2023! Here’s to a decently bearable year ahead!